You guys. I’m sorry. I messed up, got lazy, and let the blog go. I wish I had some great excuse, like my house was attacked by a legion of zombie ninjas, but I don’t, and it wasn’t.
I simply neglected to write anything of substance for the last two weeks. Which is not to say I completely slacked off and did nothing besides eat cake on the couch while my boyfriend went to gym by himself (although that did happen once); I did stuff! I cooked and baked and drank wine and danced to Lil John & The Eastside Boyz. And here, to prove to you that I am not the world’s laziest person, is a list of 12 things I did while not updating my blog:
1. Took the 10-month-old I nanny to Victoria’s Secret to buy lingerie. For me, not for him! I needed some new stuff and figured nobody knows my body more intimately than my little charge. After all, he’s spent the last 10 months of his life nestled in my asymmetrical bosom and impatiently fussing over my legs while I attempt bowel movements in stalls of public restrooms. We are tight, and I value his opinion. (I’m happy to report that together we found some really nice stuff – he loves lace.)
2. Baked a Salted Caramel Apple Pie. Twice. My boss (that’s correct, the 10-month-old’s mother) and I decided to bake the same dessert for Thanksgiving, so the day before the big event, I helped her with hers and then hurried home to drink wine and work on mine. Both turned out beautifully, the only difference being hers was defaced by her husband in a fit of pre-Thanksgiving munchies. She was (obvs!) devastated, and I’m quite certain she would have ended up on an episode of Snapped! if they were gun-enthusiasts, but thankfully, they don’t keep firearms in the house. Her husband lived to see another day, and her lopsided pie was served to their dinner guests, who were reportedly delighted. This pie is good, y’all. And it has an adorable, decorative top crust that really ups the presentation. (Recipe to follow.)
3. Interviewed with a nanny agency, where I accidentally replaced “certificate,” with “control,” when informing the director I had brought my “birth _____,” along with me.
4. Caught my dog, Toot eating the recycling four times. Decided I should start keeping it on top of the washing machine once I realized she had eaten the wrapper from a bar of dark chocolate.
5. Ate nearly an entire bar of dark chocolate while watching American Horror Story with Clay. Feigned enthusiasm when asked to share said bar of dark chocolate. Still sad I don’t have anymore chocolate at my house.
6. Watched Clay make fried chicken for his birthday dinner. Poured Frank’s Hot Sauce on the fried chicken and ate it faster than anyone else at the table. Went back for a second helping hoping nobody would notice I was also reaching in the fridge for ranch dressing. You know, as an added garnish.
7. Had a Black Friday dance party with my BFF and her family in their living room. Drank half a bottle of Rocky Mountain Blackberry Flavored Whiskey. Downloaded Lil John’s “Get Low,” on my iPhone, not realizing it was the edited version. Downloaded the right version (seriously, that song doesn’t even have lyrics when it’s edited!), played it on repeat, and choreographed an interpretive dance. Ah-SKEET-SKEET-GOT-DAMN.
8. Baked my mother-in-law’s Swedish Nut Cake for Clay’s birthday. (Recipe to follow.)
9. Ate a piece of Swedish Nut Cake (with Bluebell Butter Pecan Ice Cream) for lunch while Clay went to the gym alone. Promptly fell asleep.
10. Walked home from work six times. That’s 18 miles. Totes cancels out the cake lunch.
11. Crushed a bag of Veggie Booty on the drive home from the grocery store. My friend Heather almost lost an arm when she reached for a handful. Had indigestion for the next 24 hours.
12. Felt bad for neglecting my blog, especially after showing such initial enthusiasm. Decided I have poor follow-through and need to start showing better initiative. Just as soon as I was finished reading Jezebel on my phone in the bath tub.